The Importance of Bonding. An Open Letter to all of our dear family and friends.
Since we have brought Annelle home from Rwanda, we, along with many other adoptive families, have been encouraged to write a letter to our church family, family and friends, to let everyone know what to expect from us as we transition our daughter into our home.
Please take the time to read the following letter. Thank you.
Dear Family & Friends,
After almost three years on this journey, our sweet daughter is finally home! We are overjoyed at God's grace and provision for us, but we also recognize this will be a season of great adjustment for our family. Each of you receiving this letter has supported, loved, and prayed for us throughout this journey. You each play a very important role in our lives and we are truly blessed because of you. Because we know you care for our family and new child, we want to share with you some information that we hope will best equip everyone to assist us in laying the strongest and healthiest foundation – emotionally, physically and spiritually for Annelle.
In many ways, Annelle will be like the children who entered our family through birth; we will seek to bring each of them up in the instruction and discipline of the Lord. But there will be a few initial differences from the way we have parented in the past.
We know that God’s design for the family is perfect! His plan for parents and children is a beautiful and meaningful picture of His love for us. Attachment between a parent and child occurs from the moment of physical birth and over time as a baby has a physical or emotional need and communicates that need, usually through crying or whining, to her parent. The parent then meets the need and soothes the child. This process repeats, thousands of times, between a parent and child over a period of many years to create trust within the child for that parent. The security provided by parents will, ultimately, give children a trust for and empathy towards others, as well as the ability to build future healthy relationships with others.
Since we have arrived home, you will notice that we will be tightening our circle a bit, staying close to home more, and in general seem a little less socially available for a while. Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment-bonding process. The loss of a biological mother and father due to abandonment at an early age can be a major trauma on their little hearts. Annelle is currently experiencing the loss of familiar and comforting caretakers as well as the sights, smells, and language of Rwanda, not to mention a group of young female orphans like her who have served as her functional sisters in the orphanage where she has lived since she was just 2 weeks old. Now that she is with us, she will be overwhelmed by all the newness of our world. To keep her from being too over stimulated, we plan to limit activities for the 1st month or so.
If you can imagine what it must be like for a 5 ½ year old to be taken from her ‘home’ by people she doesn’t know, look nothing like her, speak a language she doesn’t understand and whom she cannot communicate with, not to mention a world that bears little to no resemblance to what she has known (ex. mirrors and buttons on electronic devices perplex her), and you can begin to understand what is going on in her mind and heart these days. As sentimental as the pictures and posts may be, please be aware that those images are but thin slices of her daily experiences. Consider this excerpt from a book on international adoption of older children on how children perceive their new parents and surroundings:
“You look around you. You are in a remote place in the middle of what seems like nowhere in particular. You have no signs to tell you where you are. Suddenly, you are surrounded by strangers, all of whom are overjoyed to see you. These people smile, laugh, and talk loud and fast, and they act as if you can understand them. They want to touch you; your hair, your face, your shoulders and they want to hug you repeatedly. You notice they have a peculiar odor. They dress differently than anyone you have ever seen. Their language is unintelligible and sound like gibberish. You have no clue how or why you are here. You have no idea how to get back to the life you know. Sometimes some of these people remove your clothing and give you new garments. Some others seem to be sizing you up, looking at your hair and teeth and noting any moles or scars on your body. You are given strange food and invited to play strange games. You are given unfamiliar liquids and encouraged to drink. Everyone continues to laugh and smile and act as though this were a perfect and normal situation. You wonder if you made this happen. You wonder if things will change like this again.”
In addition to adjusting to a new environment, Annelle will also be learning about what it truly means to receive love, and what a family looks like. To help our little girl truly understand God’s design for a family, we are limiting visitors for the 1st month or so. Annelle has had multiple caregivers while in the orphanage and having only one mama and papa will be a foreign concept to her, as will the ideas of ‘family life’ that seem ‘normal’ to those of us who have grown up in families and where certain rules are assumed because of family dynamics.
Our girl’s internal world is also turned upside down right now as she will experience varying degrees of clinical post-traumatic stress. She will struggle with feeling safe and secure and may lack the ability to trust that we will meet her needs. The good news is that we can now, as her parents and forever family, rebuild attachment and help her heal these emotional wounds. The most effective way for us to form a parent/child bond is by only having us (her parents) hold, snuggle, feed, soothe, care for, and instruct her. As this repeats between us in the coming year or two, she will be able to learn that parents are safe to trust and to love deeply. We are, essentially, attempting to recreate the newborn/parent connection. As time goes on this will change based on her needs, but we want to ensure that she is forming a strong attachment to us, her parents first.
Annelle will also have, what may seem like, a lot of structure, boundaries and close proximity to us when in public. Although it may appear that we are spoiling her at times, we have been advised that it is best that we meet every need quickly and consistently so we can help build trust. Please do not assume that her willingness to hug or touch anyone other than Susan and I (or her brothers) is a sign of affection or acceptance of you. In fact, it is a sign that she doesn’t know how to appropriately create boundaries for interactions with adults. This, obviously, can have very serious consequences later in life if not handled very carefully early on. Also, consider that to Annelle, especially at church and at family gatherings, just about everyone right now is a ‘stranger.’
For some time, here is a guide for how to interact with an older internationally adopted child:
PARENTS & SIBLINGS: Hugging and kissing; tickling, sitting on lap
EXTENDED FAMILY: Blowing kisses, sitting close to but not on laps
FRIENDS: Shaking hands, high fives, sitting nearby
ACQUAINTANCES: Waving, but no touching
STRANGERS: Nodding; keeping near parents; never touching
Please know that each of these decisions we have shared with you have been prayerfully and thoughtfully made choices based on many recommendations from multiple case workers & adoptive professionals, personal research, and instruction from trusted adoption mentors. We will be doing what we believe is best to help our child heal from those interruptions in attachment as effectively as possible. Why are we telling you all of this? Because you will actually play an awesome and vital role in helping our baby settle in, heal, and lay a foundation for her future.
Sharing these plans with you is difficult for us because you have openly loved on our other children and we have loved on yours as well, and treasure that connection. Please understand that we want nothing more than to have Annelle hugged, cuddled and cherished by ALL of you. But until she has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, we need to stick to these guidelines and would be so grateful is you would help us to do so.
Here are a few areas in which you can help us as we go through this transition:
- You each play an important role in our lives, and we do want you to meet the newest member of our family. But please call before coming over, and don’t be disappointed if we are not allowing visitors or limiting the time of your visit. This is only in the best interest of our child and teaching her to love and trust us first.
- As shown in the chart earlier, it will help us immensely if you limit what is typically considered normal, physical contact with Annelle. This will (for a while) include things like holding, feeding, instructing, hugging and kissing, etc. Children from orphanage settings are prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone – which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents.
- Another area that would help us out greatly is by redirecting Annelle back to us (her ‘mama’ and ‘papa’) to have her physical and emotional needs met. Orphans often have so many caretakers that they, as a survival mechanism, become overly charming toward all adults. A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit. It may appear harmless and as if they are ‘very friendly’ but this is actually quite dangerous for the child. If she seems in need and we are not close, without picking her up, gently direct her towards us using the words ‘mama’ or ‘papa.’
- Even though it may seem like we will have a lot of limitations when we first arrive home, we’d still appreciate your help and support in every way possible because this will be a tough transition for all of us. So please don’t hesitate to call and see how you can help. And of course, please pray for each of us and our boys as we enter this next chapter in our lives.
We know this is a lot of information to take in, so please feel free to ask us any questions at any time. We are learning too, and are grateful that you are seeking with us to help Annelle feel loved, safe, and secure. We are incredibly blessed to have so many loved ones around us. We couldn’t ask for a better extended family & circle of friends for our precious child.
Thank you so much for your love and support over the past 3 years. We love you all!
With Affection,
Jason & Susan
Ethan, Aidan & Annelle
